So.
I'm getting legally married this afternoon.
To my partner of 28 years.
Twenty-four years after we had a commitment ceremony in which we publically acknowledged our love and commitment to each other in front our our families and friends. While it gave us no legal advantages, it was meaningful and important to our hearts.
Maybe after we've had the ceremony with the judge, in front of a few family members, and after we've celebrated with friends at Mama's Mexican Kitchen, where we had our first date, it will seem more meaningful and important to me.
But so far, it's just seems kind of funny. We've been together for so long already. Calling each other "wife" is something we've occassionally done in irony. Now it's going to be real.
Marriage is not something I've longed for, not a lack I've felt.
My friend B.T., on the other hand, dressed up as a bride for Halloween when she was five. It was a true representation of her longing. (And yes, she did marry.)
(Not me, I was a ballerina in a pink tutu. Later, I was Miss America with a glittery sash. I longed,for soo many years, to be famous: a dream I eventually rejected.)
I told a classmate in 6th grade that I didn't want to get married and have children because I wanted to travel. Around the same time I noticed that if I tried to imagine marrying a man, the dots didn't connect.
I dreamed of having an exotic life, preferably modelled after that of Dashiell Hammet and Lillian Hellman. Only without the alcoholism. Or the tortured emotional states. And perhaps with a bit more money and stability, and nicer friends. But very romantic and garret-y.
Along with coming out when I was twenty, I learned about ways in which the institution of marriage has not served women well.
Marriage, shmarriage, I didn't need it, and once I figured out I was a lesbian, I wasn't allowed it.
I heard the horrible stories of same-sex couples who were forbidden access to each other in hospitals, or in which one was forced to deport, or whose financial situations became dire when one of them died. Legal marriage could protect against that and I understood how important it was. But same-sex marriage seemed like a possibility for the far-off future.
Personally, we were careful, healthy, privileged and lucky. Our unmarried status wasn't something we thought much about and no harm came to us because of it.
Fast-forward to the new millenium.
All this talk about gay marriage and marriage equality! Where did it come from?
Barbara reminded me recently that we were asked to consider being one of the couples who would sue for the right to marry. We said no; it just wasn't an issue we felt passionately about. We certainly supported marriage equality. It was exciting when same-sex marriage became legal in Washington state last November and thrilling when DOMA was overturned this summer. I recognize that these as huge steps for our country.
But marriage still wasn't something I yearned for.
So why am I marrying Barbara this afternoon?
As far as I can tell, I'm getting married because I can.
Because it seems like a smart thing to do for legal and medical and financial reasons. Because people worked very hard for us to have this right and to not take advantage of it seems ungrateful.
Because others had greater imagination than I and believed we could have marriage equality now, instead of in the vague and distant future when we also had, say, jetpacks.
I'm getting married because I have a choice. I'm getting married because I can.
Do I want to? Thanks for asking.
I do.
I'm getting legally married this afternoon.
To my partner of 28 years.
Twenty-four years after we had a commitment ceremony in which we publically acknowledged our love and commitment to each other in front our our families and friends. While it gave us no legal advantages, it was meaningful and important to our hearts.
Maybe after we've had the ceremony with the judge, in front of a few family members, and after we've celebrated with friends at Mama's Mexican Kitchen, where we had our first date, it will seem more meaningful and important to me.
But so far, it's just seems kind of funny. We've been together for so long already. Calling each other "wife" is something we've occassionally done in irony. Now it's going to be real.
Marriage is not something I've longed for, not a lack I've felt.
My friend B.T., on the other hand, dressed up as a bride for Halloween when she was five. It was a true representation of her longing. (And yes, she did marry.)
(Not me, I was a ballerina in a pink tutu. Later, I was Miss America with a glittery sash. I longed,for soo many years, to be famous: a dream I eventually rejected.)
I told a classmate in 6th grade that I didn't want to get married and have children because I wanted to travel. Around the same time I noticed that if I tried to imagine marrying a man, the dots didn't connect.
I dreamed of having an exotic life, preferably modelled after that of Dashiell Hammet and Lillian Hellman. Only without the alcoholism. Or the tortured emotional states. And perhaps with a bit more money and stability, and nicer friends. But very romantic and garret-y.
Along with coming out when I was twenty, I learned about ways in which the institution of marriage has not served women well.
Marriage, shmarriage, I didn't need it, and once I figured out I was a lesbian, I wasn't allowed it.
I heard the horrible stories of same-sex couples who were forbidden access to each other in hospitals, or in which one was forced to deport, or whose financial situations became dire when one of them died. Legal marriage could protect against that and I understood how important it was. But same-sex marriage seemed like a possibility for the far-off future.
Personally, we were careful, healthy, privileged and lucky. Our unmarried status wasn't something we thought much about and no harm came to us because of it.
Fast-forward to the new millenium.
All this talk about gay marriage and marriage equality! Where did it come from?
Barbara reminded me recently that we were asked to consider being one of the couples who would sue for the right to marry. We said no; it just wasn't an issue we felt passionately about. We certainly supported marriage equality. It was exciting when same-sex marriage became legal in Washington state last November and thrilling when DOMA was overturned this summer. I recognize that these as huge steps for our country.
But marriage still wasn't something I yearned for.
So why am I marrying Barbara this afternoon?
As far as I can tell, I'm getting married because I can.
Because it seems like a smart thing to do for legal and medical and financial reasons. Because people worked very hard for us to have this right and to not take advantage of it seems ungrateful.
Because others had greater imagination than I and believed we could have marriage equality now, instead of in the vague and distant future when we also had, say, jetpacks.
I'm getting married because I have a choice. I'm getting married because I can.
Do I want to? Thanks for asking.
I do.
